Reflections on love, pain, and the road to recovery
It’s been 99 days since she said she can’t think of a scenario where things will work out between us. 119 days since I last held her hand, 120 Days since I brought her breakfast in bed, 132 Days since everything fell apart, and I still think about her all the time.
Although it was not easy, we spent 5 glorious years together. I living in Alberta, Canada and her in Ohio, USA we spent our evenings sharing our lives with each other by the glow of our computer screens. We never meant to fall in love, we we’re 2,100 miles away, but love doesn’t discriminate because of things like distance and we fell, hard.
Over the years we took 116 flights, covering enough ground to travel clear around the world 4.5 times. We were quite literally halfway to the moon. We had a lot against us. Borders and time zones, flights and currency, longing and missed phone calls, friends and family. But we made it work.
I spent a lot of time counting that days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds until we could see eachother again. It gave me drive, it gave me purpose and most of all it gave me hope.
In the end, the distance killed us. I have two wonderful children and the circumstance dictated that if we were to be together in a more permanent capacity, she would have to move here. The knowledge of that brought me pain every day and I spent years trying to solve that kobayashi maru of an equation. She loves her family, and they are amazing people. I can’t fault her for wanting to be with them, I loved them too.
I’m single. The words feel odd coming out of my mouth. My last two relationships combined span 16 years. In my 31 years on this earth, I have been committed for more days than I have been single.
Crash & Burn
I am not one to give up easily. I’m passionate, romantic and I try to be diplomatic. I couldn’t save us, I couldn’t solve the problem, I couldn’t show her what she meant, I couldn’t move the mountain. I failed at the one thing I poured my everyting into. I lost the one thing, I truly desired. But I will respect her wishes.
Being alone shouldn’t be hard, we spent a lot of time a part so it will be ok right? Not true. Not true at all. The best part of my day was always coming home to her, hearing her voice on our 5 minute phone calls while she drove to hockey, or between my meetings. Despite my best efforts, even after 99 days, it’s still a struggle not to call her. God I miss hearing about her day.
Now while others are sleeping. I spend most of my evenings working late or writing sappy love songs on the guitar I never got to give her for her birthday.
Fight The Loneliness
5 years in a long distance relationship takes it toll on many things, and most of all friendship. In my dedication to her I lost touch with most of my friends for one of two reasons.
- She was 2 hours behind me so if I wanted to talk it was straight home to talk and fall asleep together. That doesn’t leave much room for friends and social outings.
- I’m militantly faithful. My brother once told me, if you don’t have plan on how to NOT cheat on your significant other you’re doing it wrong. This involved never being alone with another female, not texting other females, and not engaging in friendships that could be misconstrued by the other party or my significant other.
This has left me very extremely alone. This may be a surprise to some who read this but I am an extremely shy person. I don’t make friends easily, and when I get nervous I talk way way too much and it scares a lot of people away. So I find myself going to the pub or the movies alone, something I never thought I would do.
The Search for Companionship
I need relationship, not a relationship. I’m so far from ready for that and I couldn’t do that to someone else, try to build something while my heart belongs to another. I can’t bring myself to be that asshole. I currently have 9 Tinder matches and zero will to respond to any of them. It’s honestly just nice to know someone wants to know you. I’m old school, I’m not into playing games, and I will be a good long while before I dip my toes in that water. I need to really know someone before I ever consider a relationship.
No, I need some close friends. Dinner having, concert going, movie watching, friends. Finding friends as an adult is hard. I’m not one of the guys bro-ing it up, and the single guy friends I do have are guarded, like we are competing for the same mate. Where the majority females don’t trust that you’re just looking for friendship. This is a piece of single life I wish was not so hard.
Wish You Were Here
Part of me wishes things ended badly, so I could be angry and bitter, so I could move forward with zeal… but that’s not me, and that’s not us. If 99 days has taught me anything, it’s that more than ever I wish she was here. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have lost her forever, but there’s still that flicker of hope.
Theres still the question, does she still think of me?